Friday, May 24, 2019

This can’t be real

About 20 years ago, there was this one night where I was at a party and (shockingly) drank too much.  I ended up having a bit of a mental breakdown, and my The bf/now ex found me sitting on the side of the bathtub, rocking back and forth, repeating “this is not me.” I don’t talk about that night much, suffice to say, I was in a very dark place then, which was not helped by alcohol.

Yet that’s how I feel right now. Like I want to sit on the edge of that bathtub again repeating “this is not real.” I haven’t shed a single tear over any one this, but I kinda want to. This was made more real by the call I got today, from the pharmaceutical company that makes the targeted therapy I was supposed to get, the $31,000 one. I learned that I had been scheduled to start yesterday. I knew I had been on the schedule until the Hopkins “hold-up.” But, that got me a bit “shits getting real.”

I’m still behind that therapy, and I suspect it’s where we will end up.  But it’ll be 6 cycles, at 3 weeks each. The good news is that not starting yesterday means I can go see one of my favorite bands, which is playing in 3 weeks. Yay! The bad news, is that starting next week is likely to interfere with a show later this summer.  I just bought the ticket last weekend, because I was tired if putting everything on hold. And now I might not get to go! We had to cancel our summer vacation, so it was something to look forward to. But we are still hoping to hit the beach, if we can still find a beach house by the time I have a schedule.

I did something out of character. But I bought a t-shirt with a purple ribbon on it. This is something I’ve never done before. I tended to view that as a phase of my life, a sucky sucky one, but just a phase. I don’t go around all “I’m a survivor!” Nope. That’s not me. But it’s possible this time around... maybe. And I am almost guaranteed to have my usual piss-off pink fit in October.

At least it was a beautiful day!! Perfect skies, perfect temperature. And Kyle is putting up my dart board tomorrow, so I can throw pointy things.


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